The truth about the Akatsuki
by TigerInTheMoonlight
Summary: In a world of Shinobi, things are never what they seem. Random, rated for swearing. Crack-fic


**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto…this would be the ultimate filler episode. Just to mess with people. I also do not own any nursery rhymes, or LMFAO.**

Somewhere in fire country, Hatake Kakashi freezes mid-step.

"Kakashi-sensei? What's wrong?" Sakura asked in confusion.

Icha Icha fell to the ground. All three Genin were now thoroughly alarmed. Suddenly, Kakashi bit his thumb and in a blur of movement went through some handsigns.

"**Kuchiyose no Jutsu!**" he yelled, and with a poof of smoke, Pakkun stood before them.

"Yo! 'Sup Kakashi, Pups?" he asked, waving a paw. Kakashi adopted a no-nonsense tone.

"Pakkun, I need you to go to Konoha for back up, as much as possible, and fast. The Akatsuki are close."

The pug's eyes widened and he nodded before sprinting away, leaving a tense Kakashi to deal with three shocked Genin.

"A-Akatsuki?" Sakura stuttered, terrified.

"Who?" Sasuke demanded. Kakashi looked him in the eyes, which had bled into Sharingan.

"Sasuke, calm down. We are no match for them, all we can do is hope to escape, or delay them until back up arrives. To answer your question…all of them." Kakashi told his students tersely.

"All of them!" Naruto yelled, beginning to pull his hair from his scalp. "Oh Kami! SHIT!"

"…We're going to die…" Sakura mumbled, sliding to the ground and wrapping her arms around her legs.

"Itachi…" Sasuke hissed angrily, and the thirteen year old's Sharingan spun faster.

"Sasuke!" Kakashi said sharply, his visible eye narrowed in warning. "Calm down."

"Kakashi-sensei, why don't we just, I don't know, leave before they find us?" Naruto jerkily scratched his head in confusion. Sakura looked up from her sniffling.

"Because we are inside a chakra barrier. It is usually used to keep things out, but in this case it has been modified to keep Shinobi in. Pakkun could leave as he is an animal, but we are effectively trapped."

"N-now what do we do Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura whimpered. Sasuke stared the silver haired man down and Naruto just squinted at him as if searching for the answers to the universe.

"I'm afraid all we can do now is wait for back up. Prepare yourselves, they'll be here any minute."

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"…They are trapped Pein-sama." Itachi told his leader with an evil grin. Pein smirked.

"Excellent. Deidara, put your bird away and let's go. Sasori…come out." He ordered. Deidara pouted, sealing his favourite clay bird away and Sasori's puppet made a _click_ sound before the red head stepped out. Kisame was chuckling madly.

"Kisame, why are you laughing?" Konan asked in annoyance.

"This is gonna be so fun." He snickered, rubbing his big blue hand together.

"Hell fucking yeah it is!" Hidan cried, "Kakuzu back me up here, it'll be epic as fuck right?"

"As it is a recreational activity that does not require money to be wasted, I am forced to agree with you this once Hidan." Kakuzu rumbled, his marble green eyes darting around erratically.

Itachi giggled madly, holding a hand in front of his mouth. The rest of the Akatsuki ignored it, as it was an everyday occurrence to them. You don't enter Akatsuki if you are sane after all.

Zetsu was trying to play thumb wars with himself, and failing miserably as a left and a right hand cannot do it. The end result was rolling his thumbs around each other, watching intently as the speed picked up.

"HA! I win." White Zetsu exclaimed, and Black Zetsu sulked.

Konan pulled out her Icha Icha and tried to block out the antics of her crazy boys. Jiraiya-sensei really was a very talented author…Pein glared at the offensive book and knocked it out of his partner's hands and into the mud, causing her to cry anime tears and whimper.

They continued to walk at a sedate pace, not bothering to compose themselves. After acting the way they had been for so long, being their true selves would be like the ultimate mind-fuck. Pein was so glad Itachi had suggested it.

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The Konoha team's eyes bugged out in shock, even Kakashi's ready Sharingan, at the travelling group.

The blonde haired bomber from Iwa was spinning his cloak over his head, screaming out the lyrics to 'Sexy and I know it.'

His partner Akasuna no Sasori was making his 'Party Puppets' dance wildly to the other artist's song.

Hoshigaki Kisame was beat boxing. Badly.

Suddenly Sasori's chest popped open, shocking Team Seven._ He's a puppet?_

The former Suna Nin pushed a button inside his wooden cavity, and suddenly music started blaring out from a CD Player. Deidara screamed.

"_I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT, UN! GIRL LOOK AT THAT BODY, GIRL LOOK AT THAT BODY, GIRL LOOK AT THAT BODY! I WORK OUT! UN."_

Kakashi narrowed his eyes in suspicion.** "Kai!"** he whispered. Nothing happened. Frowning, he put more force into it.** "KAI!"**

No change. Unless you count Itachi waving madly and eye-smiling. "Saaaasuuuke!" he called. "Come and dance with meee!"

Sasuke had gone into a state of shock. What the _fuck_ was happening here. Naruto was tapping his foot to the beat, and got hit over the head by Sakura, who couldn't help but stare at Deidara's and Hidan's bare chests…damn awakening teenage hormones.

The song finished and an awkward silence fell over the two groups. Pein turned to Itachi. "Itachi. I'm bored. Do something."

Itachi nodded seriously and Team Seven stiffened, reaching for their weapons. Itachi cleared his throat.

"_Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow…"_ he began. And the Konoha Shinobi face faulted.

Kakuzu smiled contentedly and swayed to the Uchiha's singing, lifting his arms in a wave-like motion. His tentacles came out and waved slowly as well, making him look with a creepy tree.

"_And everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go…"_ Itachi told his Otouto's team without a blink.

Zetsu started 'Baa'ing and Konan was petting him.

Team Seven were really scared.

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Teams Eight, Ten and Team Gai were racing after Kakashi's Nin-dog Pakkun. They had been summoned to the Hokage's office, and were told it was urgent. But the last thing they were expecting was Team Seven being trapped with_ the whole of the freaking Akatsuki_.

After explaining to the younger generation exactly what the Akatsuki was, they had left immediately to aid their comrades. The Godaime Hokage, Tsunade, was hesitant to send out such inexperienced Ninja on what was likely a suicide mission, but there was nobody else available. If the Akatsuki got theirs hand on the Kyuubi, it would be beyond disastrous, so she really had no alternative.

Maito Gai's impressive eyebrows were creased in concern for his Eternal Rival and his youthful students, but he also worried about the danger he was leading his own team into.

Shikamaru sighed. This was all so troublesome…but it would be even more troublesome to leave them there.

Lee wiped tragic tears from his face, he would not let their flames of youth burn out! He would rescue his beautiful flower Sakura-chan, and help Naruto-kun and Sasuke-san as well!

Hinata's lip trembled before she forced herself to calm down._ I-I will not be weak! N-Naruto-kun is depending on me!_

Asuma and Kurenai exchanged worried glances. They just hoped they would come out of this, teams intact.

Tenten's hands itched to draw her weapons. She was angry that an organisation such as Akatsuki existed, and to be made up of _males!_ Did nobody ever appreciate a good Kunouchi? Wait, no that was for another time. Right now she should focus on saving Team Seven.

Kiba growled in frustration, a sentiment backed up by Akamaru. It had taken a while, but his fellow Rookies were pack-mates to him now, especially that loudmouth Naruto. It was in his nature to protect his pack fiercely, and he planned to do just that.

Ino's pupil less blue eyes were hardened. Looking at her, it was not hard to see that underneath the Fangirling tendencies she truly was a Kunouchi of Konoha. There was no way in hell she was going to let her Sasuke-kun be hurt…or Sakura. Despite their bitter rivalry, Ino didn't want any harm to come to the pink haired girl. Her fellow blonde Naruto made her mouth tug downwards-in a life and death situation such as this, she realised how much she would really regret how she treated him if something were to happen. She resolved to fix that, just as soon as they were all home safe.

Shino's bugs buzzed hectically inside of him, causing a slightly queasy sensation. They whispered to each other in broken sentences, '_fight….retrieve….fight, strong…' _He understood the seriousness of this mission, and the risks. But he would not leave a fellow Rookie to such a fate, whether it was logical or not. It seemed Kiba was influencing him. Shino adjusted his glasses while he ran.

Chouji's face was weighted down with distress for his friends. While he may not have been very close to Sakura or Sasuke, he knew Ino cared a lot about them. She would be heartbroken if they were hurt, and he refused to allow that. Naruto on the other hand he had been friends with since the Academy, when he, Shikamaru, Kiba and Naruto had been labelled as the 'Detention Gang'. Chouji's hand drifted to his pocket, where his family's special solider pills were. He just hoped it wouldn't come down to that.

Neji's posture was stiff as he sped on the outskirts of the group, keeping a watchful eye on Hinata-sama. She was surprisingly composed given the situation, and Neji's slowly returning respect for her rose further. His pearl eyes glared at the horizon._ It may be our fate to die today…but I will fight it! I refuse to bow to destiny any longer. We WILL succeed!_

With a shudder they passed through the barrier. Hinata and Neji had warned them that it was there, and Shino's bugs had detected it as well, but they had no choice but to go inside. It was time to find Team Seven, and fast.

They only hoped that they were ok.

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Team Seven was not ok.

Sakura was a drooling mess and Naruto had been staring blankly for almost three whole minutes now. Any moisture in his eyes was gone. Kakashi looked about ready to fall down, and was weakly holding Sasuke back from hanging himself with his Ninja Wire.

Itachi was attempting to belly-dance.

Kisame was rolling on the ground in hysterics and it seemed Sasori had cracked part of his wooden body open with laughter. Deidara was giggling so hard he was practically sobbing and Hidan was swinging at Itachi with his Scythe, which was avoided and incorporated into the Uchiha's routine. Kakuzu had dollar signs in his eyes as he imagined the profit they would make if they hired Itachi out…

Konan was sitting on one of the Paths of Pein like a stool, and the others were waiting on her hand and foot. Pein himself was having his mouth attacked violently and passionately by the blue haired woman. It seemed Jiraiya-sensei's book were good for something after all. He straightened up with a slight blush and Konan pouted.

Zetsu was popping in and out of the earth like a whack-a-mole, and Hidan's purple eyes lit up. He stole Kisame's Samehada, ignoring the wheezing shout of indignation, and began pummelling the ground, trying to hit the evasive plant man, all the while cackling like a maniac.

Itachi's eyes gleamed cheerily as he turned to Sasuke. "SEE, Otouto? The Sharingan can copy _aaanything! _Come, try it!_"_

Sakura screeched. "Yes Sasuke-kun, do it!" Lusty hearts filled her eye sockets and Sasuke shuddered.

Kakashi had begun talking to himself. "_Did…they get…drugged?" _he whispered.

Deidara heard him. "Nope, un!"

Kakuzu tilted his head. "I believe you were expecting this?" he turned to his colleagues. "PUT UP THE MASKS!" he bellowed.

Instantly, all smiles dropped and laughter skidded to a halt, leaving Team Seven with whiplash. Faces were once again emotionless and intimidating, the true image of S-class criminals. Sasuke sighed in pure relief. Evil Itachi he could deal with.

Kakuzu turned back around. "Ok, you can drop it now."

"NO!" Sasuke screamed in terror. But it was too late.

The party continued.

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Team Gai skidded to a stop, followed closely by Teams Eight and Ten. What they saw caused even Shino's jaw to drop beneath his high collar.

Uchiha Sasuke was curled up in a ball, whimpering.

Sakura was actually unaware of her crush's torture, unable to take her eyes off the Akatsuki.

Kakashi was holding his Icha Icha as high above his head as possible, desperately trying to keep it out of the hands of a blue haired woman in an Akatsuki cloak. Tenten mentally punched the air. There was actually an S-class woman, right there in front of her.

The really shocking thing was Naruto screaming about how he '_doesn't want to be Hokage anymore' _and he _'wants to lead Akatsuki instead!_' because they 'got it'.

In case anybody was wondering, he was in the middle of a ramen-eating contest. That Kisame was a beast. As soon as the ramen had come out, any and all previous prejudices had flown out the door.

"**Inse**cts…" a double-toned voice said as Zetsu rose from the ground. His greedy yellow eyes zeroed in on Shino. "An A**burame…s**o tasty…" the large Venus Fly Trap man grinned. Shino actually 'eep'ed.

What the hell had they just gotten themselves into?

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"Ahhh!" a cry ran through the air, turning Naruto's face from his ramen. He blinked in surprise at seeing a panicked Shino sprinting away from that Zetsu guy, whose plant-mouth thing was chomping after him hungrily.

"Shino! COME BACK!" Kiba howled as he raced after his straying teammate, and Hinata just stood by Kurenai, not really knowing what to do in this situation.

Deidara started coughing horribly on his noodles, having inhaled some in his haste. Kisame whacked him on the back without looking up from his own cup, which disappeared almost instantly. Hidan was enthusiastically making more and more of the instant ramen, sure to make the broth absolutely_ boiling_. What a sadist. Sasori was downing the broth without a grimace, and Deidara scowled.

"Sasori no danna," he gasped, "You cheater un. You don't even have a stomach."

Sasori shrugged. Kakuzu was sniffling about how much money was wasted on ramen when suddenly a shout interrupted them.

"Fuck, you cheated!"

"No I didn't you bastard, he cheated!"

"Yeah right bitch, it was you!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Shut up all of you, it was Deva Path!"

"Lies!"

"WHY ARE WE FUCKING PLAYING THIS GAME WHEN IT ALWAYS ENDS LIKE THIS?"

Everybody present sweatdropped as the Akatsuki Leader's multiple bodies began wrestling on the ground, their poker cards flying everywhere.

Asuma took a long drag of his cigarette. How the fuck were they supposed to explain this in the mission report?

**Oookay. Not really sure what that was! If I decide to do any more chapters it would be on an irregular basis, as this is pure crack and I don't have time for it to be a weekly thing.**

**Should I continue?**


End file.
